Day 2

8:00 a.m. spanish class, Monday morning, rain, tired, boo. The only thing I could come up with was small, but felt triumphant. I summoned all energy for a real and genuine, though puffy-eyed, smile to share with my fellow classmates (all of whom are also sleep-deprived; in fact my partner this morning was well adorned with yesterday's make-up and awesomely rowdy hair. I appreciated her more than she will know).

Baby steps...

Redemption! I ran after class today in the afternoon cold and decided to observe. Boomyow! this is beautiful.

And then I saw a woman whom I often see walking her dog. She is lovely with long, silvering hair; she always walks alone and sometimes she reads while she walks. She seems to be with joyful most days. Today, I delighted in her presence and mustered the courage to say Hello. She gave me a big smiling response and we talked about her book. I like her.

Day 1 of 101

This is hard. The problem with bad moods is that there is an entitlement to them. 'I'm entitled to this bad mood, and I'm not letting anyone else tell me how to behave. And if you're chipper, get over it.'

It's Mother's Day. During a late lunch punctuated by tonic and dense chocolate, I inquired to my mom and sister about what they might do when faced with a bad attitude. (Pardon me for a moment, I need to do a rapid eject on Paul Simon's newest; the current song is called Questions for the Angels, give me a break... Wow, and I'm not kidding: I just ejected the CD and put iTunes on random and the first song is from his Graceland album. Why?) Anyhow, my mom said some lovely things, the most poignent of which was: be an observer.


So here's this now. There is a website I have to use for work which sends documents to required persons in a timely manner, except that it doesn't. It is jumpy, sticky, buggy, and at the end of it all usually gives me a bold red warning indicating that the last 15 minutes of my life were a complete joke. So I guess at this moment, I'll be... an observer?

Waiting.

Here's what I'd rather do. I'm going to make a some-ecard in dedication.

Prep

This blog is meant to be a means of accountability. You see, I (am I alone?) have come into a bit of bad attitude lately. Things are fine, really. I have health, good books, a cell phone that works, a job doing good for the environment, new handle grips on my bike, an education, i-tunes, red wine, a bursting garden, delicious coffee everyday, and a sweetheart to laugh out matters with; however, like a sum of money, I have inherited a nasty attitude that feels like a swarm of bees caught in my recently tragic SuperCuts haircut.

I've been getting pissed off at my alarm clock, the morning rain, the morning sun, my bike lock, my computer, junk mail that won't tear in half easily, gas prices, nasty coffee, my thighs, Spanish professors, writing utensils, automated people voices, itchy toes, that mismatched curtain rod, and breakfast burritos with cold insides.

I'm old enough and well traveled enough to know that I have things pretty good, even if I am living pay check to pay check and am at the age my parents were when they were three kids deep. I have what I need when I need it. But I've found this head space that, like a bitchy high school girl, whines about not having enough, or not liking what I've got, or just whines for whining sake.

I keep waiting to wake up on the right side of the bed, but school feels too boring, work feels to hard, my house feels too small and dark, and exercise is not enough.

I've become somewhat... joyless.

The next 101 days are devoted to finding times of joylessness and joy-infusing them. Even the thought at this point feels a bit nauseating. When I'm in a bad mood, the thought of smiling makes me want to punch someone, or just fart and walk away. But I would like to believe that I can become a better person, purely by choice. This is also an invitation for all who find times of joylessness to make a tiny, momentary change.

Mind you, I have no real solutions at this point. It's a work in progress. When the moment comes, I'll have to come up with something on the spot. Or perhaps I'll start carrying candy, like dog treats, to fend off annoying creatures and aquaintances.

Tomorrow, May 8th, is Day 1 (if that damned dog will shut up so I can get some sleep).